Computer users are divided into three types:

Novice, Intermediate and Expert.

Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users - People who press the keys that break other people's computers.

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?"

Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from."

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

Showing his friend around his home, Jennings pointed out all of the collectibles he and his wife had acquired over their long years of marriage.

"The day before I die, I'd like to sell every piece we've got just to see how much it's all worth."

"Well," his friend replies, "since you couldn't possibly know the day before you were going to die, you'll never be able to sell!"

"And that's where you're wrong," the man smiled. "If I sell it, my wife would kill me!" 

SHIP

. Once a cruise ship carrying people from all the nations was going on a around the world' tour when it got grounded. The ship became slow and finally came to a grinding halt.

Captain of the ship called an emergency meeting and told the passengers, "Friends, we are in trouble because of God's being angry with us. We need to give sacrifice and I need three people to sacrifice their life so that rest of us can be saved."

All of them moved towards the Deck where a Japanese came forward and shouted "Long live Japan" and jumped into the sea.

Then a Israeli Jew stepped forward said "Hallelujah" and dived into the sea.

After that no one came forward for few seconds while people stared at each other and suddenly out of nowhere a Pathan came forward near the railing and chanted,

"Allah-u-Akbar"

And Kicked the Indian standing next to him in the sea.

A HUSBAND AND WIFE

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in.

Wife - would you like to have some snacks?
Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the sari.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae bhagwan !forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card,
i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to
Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - i will go to my dad’s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will
Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer.

POLITICS

Musharraf comes to Delhi for a meeting with Vajpayee. After dinner, Vajpayee says to Musharraf: "Well Parvez, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine are all bright and brilliant." "How do you know?" asks Musharraf "Oh well, it's simple", says Atal. " They all have to take special tests before they can be a minister. Wait a second".

He calls Advani over and asks him "Tell me Advaniji, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Ah, that's simple", says Advani, "it is me!" "Well done Advani", says Vajpayee and Musharraf is very impressed. He returns to Islamabad and wonders about the intelligence of the members of his Cabinet.
He calls in his favourite member of cabinet and asks: "Tell me, who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister? " He thinks and thinks and doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further Sir? May I let you know tomorrow? ". "Of course", says Musharraf, "You've got 24 hours."

He goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in his Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no-one knows the answer.Twenty hours later, the member of Musharraf's cabinet is very worried-still no answer and only 4 hours to go. Eventually he says to himself: "I'll ask Bill Clinton, he's clever, he'll know the answer." He calls Clinton. "Mr.President", he says, "Tell me who is the child of your father and of your mother who is not your brother and is not your sister?" "Very simple", says Clinton, "It's me!"

"Wonderful!" says the Cabinet member and hangs up. Jumping with joy realizing that he knows the answer, he rings Musharraf. "Sir, I've got the answer!".

"What is it?"

"It's Bill Clinton".

"No, you idiot", says Musharraf, "It's Advani". 

IDEA

 Once a sardarji tries to cheat the Indian railways. He is thinking for a novel idea. He thinks a lot and finally he did one thing, he bought the ticketand didn't travel.

PASSWORD

A sardar was drawing money from ATM. The sardar behind him in the line said, "Ha! Ha! Haaa! I've seen ur password. Its 4 asterisks(****). The first sardar replies, " Ha! Ha! Haaa! U r wrong. Its 1258."

SANTA SINGH

Mobile in 5000 Century 

ANCESTORS
*************

After digging to a depth of 100m last year, Russian
scientists, found traces
of copper wiring dating back 1000years, and came to
the conclusion that
their ancestors already had a telephone network, one
thousand years ago.
So as not to be outdone, in the weeks that
followed,American scientists dug
200m, and headlines in the US
newspapers read:-
"US scientists have found traces of 2000 year, old
optical fibres, high-tech
digital telephone 1000 years earlier than the
Russians."
One week later, the Pakistani press reported the
following:-
"After digging as deep as 500m, Pakistani scientists
have found absolutely
nothing. They have concluded that
5000 years ago, their ancestors were already using
mobile phones.

Teacher ask boy

A teacher asked boy  !!!

if u have 12 choclate and you give 3 to sana ..4 to tina and 5 to sheena then what would u get????

boy replied....mam 3 new girl friend !!!